Semyon Varlamov's defection to the Kontinental Hockey League in Russia is not yet official, and the Washington Capitals have issued a carefully-worded statement declining comment on the matter. But as far as Varlamov's Russian agent Vyacheslav Makhrenskiy is concerned, the defection is done, and the only question is which KHL team Varlamov will join.
First, he took a shot at the Capitals' medical staff.
"Actually, there are problems with medical care in Washington. Doctors in Russia are better. It happened when the Capitals' doctor says 'Everything is alright, let him play.' Semyon feels that his knee is still hurting. But he goes out to play, and then he's injured again. And the injury is not that serious, but he couldn't play again."
This seems hard to believe, but I want to tread carefully since I'm implicitly making some sort of nationalistic statement here. The following line was much more hilarious to me anyway.
The Capitals were getting ready for the new negotiations. But they didn't expect that Semyon could pick Russia. Washington management thought that they were in charge of the situation. But it turned out not to be the case."
Cue to a maniacally-laughing Makhrenskly. How do you say "swag" in Russian?