I've listened to a lot of radio interviews in my 23 years on this earth. I've listened to a lot of tirades, read about tons of feuds and heard a lot of really bad things. And yet, I don't think I've heard any 26-minute interview that was anything like that exclusive Albert Haynesworth interview on a special edition of "The Kevin And Rock Show" on 106.7 The Fan earlier tonight.
Again, there have been other tirades before. But I can't remember an interview that went that long that was filled with that much passion, emotion and, frankly, hilarity than the one I heard. The whole gang had a really good strategy, which essentially boiled down to Kevin and Rock asking more softball-type questions to open Haynesworth up to the hard-hitting questions posed by Grant Paulsen. What ensued was entertaining radio and the kind of lines that make you laugh as a Redskins fan. And when I say "laugh," I mean laugh in the sense that you laugh to hide away whatever pain you must feel.
Below the jump, I've compiled 12 of my favorite soundbytes from the interview, in order of when they occurred. Snarky comments follow as well. Enjoy
1. Haynesworth on the people that said he looked hung over at practice last Friday:
"I think they're cowards, and I think that if they have something to say, they should say it to my face, instead of being cowards and running to the media to try to blast me behind my back."
When I heard this, I immediately thought of a different Cowherd (see what I did there!) that had such ridiculous things to say about John Wall's father. I imagined Haynesworth beating Cowherd into submission for his comments, and it made me happy.
2. More Haynesworth on that
"We're not little girls or anything. Nothing wrong with being a girl, but I'm a man. If I got something to say to you, I'll say it to your face."
I am overjoyed to learn that the Washington Redskins are, in fact, a team of men, and not women. I say this not to be sexist, but because I would feel confused if a bunch of female cheerleaders were encouraging a female team. Wait, crap, nevermind. I'm going to stop talking before I dig an even deeper hole.
3. Haynesworth on his role here
"Let me play like I did in Tennessee. I will show you. I made a lot of plays in Tennessee, I could do the same thing here. All you gotta do is take off the daggone leash and let me loose and then you'll see how great I am."
With all the inflammatory things Haynesworth said during the interview, I admire him for showing some restraint and saying "daggone leash." Gosh darn it, you did well, Albert.
4. More on his role
"I love the game of football. Let me play football. Let me be great at it. Let me accomplish my goals. I want to be the best defensive tackle to ever play this game. Let me accomplish my goals."
Okay, time to get serious for a second.
This is the quote that will surely get dissected tomorrow. Here, Haynesworth makes no mention of his team and instead talks about accomplishing his own goals. In this era of media criticism, it's become common to assume that a player going for personal goals is therefore not trying to help his team. This is also true in this case, because as it turns out, Haynesworth's sacks for the Redskins actually count for the Eagles instead.
Nevermind, I couldn't be serious even for those comments.
5. Haynesworth on how Jim Haslett has changed things for him
"It's all about adjusting. You don't have to force a round peg into a square hole. It don't work."
Evidently Haynesworth was too angry to get that phrase correct.
6. Haynesworth on the drama surrounding him this season
"It's too much stuff going on right now, too much stuff that doesn't have anything to do with football going on. It's just ridiculous. Let's just concentrate on playing football, because this is what we're paid to do, and win games. "I hope it's what everyone else wants, but it's just all the other kid games that's going on that's making me sick. I'm sick about it."
A cynic would argue that Haynesworth brought all this drama upon himself by refusing to show up to minicamp and bristling at playing in a 3-4 defense when his teammates didn't do the same. But maybe he is on to something. Maybe the Redskins are secretly applying to join the Tiny Football League.
Alright, that joke sucked. I'll just settle for saying that this is the pot calling the kettle back.
7. Haynesworth on his relationship with Mike Shanahan
"I'm the player, he's the head coach. That's all that it is."
Well then. Glad we got that cleared up.
8. Haynesworth on what players are saying across the league
"Right after the game, [Brandon Jacobs] ran up and said 'Man, I'm so happy you didn't play. I get this every game. Players come up to me telling me this. 'Golly. You're not in there a lot, but when you're in there, we gotta scheme for you. We're prepared for you this week.' Guys are honest in this league. They're not going to kiss your ass."
Brandon Jacobs does seem like the kind of person who would say "Golly." Actually, wait, nevermind. I'm thinking of Tiki Barber.
9. Haynesworth on the criticism his teammates directed at him
"Get in line? Okay, I was a minute late, and then I got pulled aside to Shanahan's office to talk to him. Get in line? There are plenty of players that have been late, but you fine them and move on."
I'd love to know all the players who were late. Santana Moss feels like a guy who could use a new watch.
10. Haynesworth on the same topic
"I'm not being a distraction."
"I may be giving a 26-minute radio interview on why I hate everything about this organization, but I'm not a distraction."
11. Haynesworth on not giving enough effort in practice
"If I didn't have a good practice, alright, sue me. Everybody doesn't go out and have a great practice every day. Doesn't mean I can't play on Sunday."
This would actually be kind of interesting. What if professional teams could sue their players for poor practice or poor performance? Doctors can be sued for malpractice, so why couldn't players be sued for not performing? Could we sue Carlos Rogers for giving friends too many high-fives when he was younger, thereby making him used to slapping a ball instead of catching it? There are a lot of unique possibilities here.
12. Finally, Haynesworth on meeting with Mike Shanahan
"I'm not going into the office tomorrow. I'm still heated over this. I just got sick of it."
Does this mean Haynesworth will literally be sick tomorrow, as he claims, or does it mean he's hung over? Sorry, that was too easy.
(Audio of the interview can be found here).