It's no secret that parity has ruled the NFL for a long time. A couple weeks ago, Reddit had this brilliant image that connected every single team in the NFL with a sequential clockwise list of each team beating the one in front of it. This season, "Any Given Sunday" has become more than just some well-known sports movie. It's become the way the NFL conducts their entire business.
In that spirit, I want to do something bold, something daring. I want to prove to you that the Washington Redskins, losers of three of their last four games and holders of a 5-7 record, are the best team in the National Football League. I realize that many of the reasons are obvious. The Redskins are one of just five teams to employ a head coach that has won a Super Bowl. They are one of the few teams that can boast that they have a player who at one point was the best defensive player in football. They have a quarterback who has led his team to many deep runs in the playoffs, and an owner that will do anything to build a winner. I know what you're thinking: with all those elements, how could they not be the best team in football?
But I also realize you need proof. So, without further ado, an NFL Power Rankings post that explains why the Redskins are the league's best team.
32. Carolina Panthers (1-11): During a regular-season game in Week 11, the Panthers lost to the Baltimore Ravens 37-13, aka 24 points. In a preseason game earlier this year, the Redskins lost to the Ravens 23-3, aka by only 20 points. Therefore, the Redskins are better than the Panthers.
31. Cincinnati Bengals (2-10): Terrell Owens' combined record in the five years since leaving Donovan McNabb is now 39-37. That's not terrible. However, McNabb's record since Owens left him is 43-32-1. That is better than Owens. Therefore, the Redskins are better than the Bengals.
30. Arizona Cardinals (3-9): The Cardinals employ Derek Anderson. Therefore, the Redskins are better than the Cardinals.
29. Denver Broncos (3-9): Mike Shanahan's winning percentage since leaving the Denver Broncos is 42 percent. Josh McDaniels' winning percentage since being hired to replace Mike Shanahan with the Denver Broncos is 39 percent. Therefore, the Redskins are better than the Broncos.
28. Buffalo Bills (2-10): According to receiver Steve Johnson, God has clearly forsaken the Buffalo Bills. Meanwhile, God has clearly not forsaken the Washington Redskins, as He led them to wins over Green Bay, Philadelphia and Chicago. Therefore, the Redskins are better than the Bills.
27. Detroit Lions (2-10): Oh sure, the Lions did defeat the Redskins back in Week 8. But that was only because sly Jim Schwartz placed laxitives in Donovan McNabb's pregame meal, causing him to be taken out of the game. For playing by the rules, the Redskins are therefore better than the Lions.
26. San Francisco 49ers (4-8): In his best college season at Miami, Frank Gore rushed for 945 yards and eight touchdowns. In his best college season at Miami, Clinton Portis rushed for 1,200 yards and 10 touchdowns. Therefore, the Redskins are better than the 49ers.
25. Minnesota Vikings (5-7): Sure, the Redskins may have lost to the Vikings in Week 12, but the Vikings have lost twice to the Green Bay Packers and once to the Chicago Bears, teams the Redskins have beat. Three is better than one. Therefore, the Redskins are better than the Vikings.
24. Dallas Cowboys (4-8): Is this a serious question? Of course the Redskins are better than the Cowboys.
23. Seattle Seahawks (6-6): The Seahawks have lost by at least 18 points five times this season. The Redskins have lost by at least 18 points just twice, demonstrating their ability to remain competitive even when things aren't going their way. Therefore, the Redskins are better than the Seahawks.
22. Tennessee Titans (5-7): The Redskins actually beat the Titans, have been better in their last five games and no longer have a coach/quarterback controversy. This case is clear. The Redskins are better than the Titans.
21. Houston Texans (5-7): While the Texans did defeat the Redskins in Week 2, this was merely because of a voodoo curse place on the team due to some poor product placement. Seeing as this has nothing to do with football, it's as if the Redskins won the game. Therefore, the Redskins are better than the Texans.
20. St. Louis Rams (6-6): Sure, the Redskins may have lost to the Rams, but it wasn't a fair game. You see, nobody booed Sam Bradford when he was drafted. He had it easy. On the other hand, everybody booed Donovan McNabb when he was drafted, meaning McNabb has overcome more adversity. That character is why the Redskins are better than the Rams.
19. Miami Dolphins (6-6): One of the biggest problems with the Redskins this season, despite their status as the NFL's best team, is that they are just 2-4 at home. Well, the Dolphins are somehow worse, with just a 1-5 home record. Therefore, the Redskins are better than the Dolphins.
18. Cleveland Browns (5-7): Clinton Portis is a better pass blocker than Peyton Hillis, because I said so. Therefore, the Redskins are better than the Browns.
17. Oakland Raiders (6-6): Jason Campbell has been benched a few times this year. Donovan McNabb was only benched for two minutes of one game. Since it is a scientific fact that McNabb>Campbell (despite those haters citing their "statistics" to prove otherwise), the Redskins are clearly better than the Raiders.
16. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (7-5): The Buccaneers, at one point, claimed they were the best team in the NFC. The Redskins do not lie to their fanbase like that, instead choosing to lie about more trivial things. Therefore, because of their integrity, the Redskins are better than the Buccaneers.
15. San Diego Chargers (6-6): The Chargers employ Norv Turner, who was not good enough to win anything in Washington while Mike Shanahan was winning Super Bowls in Denver. Therefore, the Redskins are better than the Chargers.
14. Indianapolis Colts (6-6): No, the Redskins did not beat the Colts back in Week 6, but they did knock out their starting running back, Pro-Bowl tight end and their number 2 wide receiver (for the first time) in the game. Since football is a physical game, it's a feather to a team's cap if they can deliver knockouts. That is how the game is scored, right? Assuming it is, the Redskins are better than the Colts.
13. Jacksonville Jaguars (7-5): The Jaguars lost 30-3 at home to the Tennessee Titans this year, a team the Redskins beat on the road. Due to the transitive property of NFL parity, this means the Redskins are better than the Jaguars.
12. Kansas City Chiefs (8-4): The Chiefs may think they have tackled the right path by going to a youth movement, but everyone knows that youth does not win in the NFL. Last season, the New Orleans Saints were led by a quarterback that was over 30 years of age. Kansas City apparently missed that memo, because their quarterback is younger than that, whereas Donovan McNabb is not. Because of this, the Redskins are better than the Chiefs.
11. Green Bay Packers (8-4): The Redskins beat the Packers on the scoreboard (16-13) and in the knockout department (Aaron Rogers, Clay Matthews and JerMichael Finley). In other words, they dominated all phases of the game. Therefore, the Redskins are better than the Packers.
10. Chicago Bears (9-3): Jay Cutler threw four interceptions to DeAngelo Hall when he played the Redskins. If one player is good enough to beat them, imagine what happens if the Redskins use their entire team. Therefore, the Redskins are better than the Bears.
9. New York Giants (8-4): The Giants may have beaten the Redskins last weekend, but that was because Albert Haynesworth didn't play. The real truth is that they were destroyed by the Cowboys, a team the Redskins beat. Therefore, the Redskins are better than the Giants.
8. Baltimore Ravens (8-4): Washington D.C. is a much better city than Baltimore, and you are only as good as your home city. Therefore, the Redskins are better than the Ravens.
7. New York Jets (9-3): When the Redskins last played on Monday Night Football, they only lost by 31 points. Last night, the New York Jets played on Monday Night Football and lost by 42 points. Because the Redskins are better in prime time, they are better than the Jets.
6. New Orleans Saints (9-3): The Saints lost to the Arizona Cardinals earlier this season. As we explained earlier, the Cardinals employ Derek Anderson at quarterback, meaning they cannot be better than the Washington Redskins. By the transitive property of NFL quarterback suckiness, this means the Redskins are better than the Saints.
5. Philadelphia Eagles (8-4): As everyone knows, the Eagles were supposed to replace Donovan McNabb with Kevin Kobb at quarterback. Granted, this hasn't been McNabb's best season this year. However, Kobb has been even worse this season, throwing for just 1,035 yards and six touchdowns. Clearly, the Redskins have won that swap. Therefore, the Redskins are better than the Eagles.
4. Atlanta Falcons (10-2): Back in Week Six, the Falcons lost to the Philadelphia Eagles in Philadelphia. Two weeks earlier, the Redskins defeated the Philadelphia Eagles in Philadelphia. Truly great teams are the ones that can win big games on the road. The Redskins did, the Falcons didn't. Therefore, the Redskins are better than the Falcons.
3. Pittsburgh Steelers (9-3): The Pittsburgh Steelers lost to the New Orleans Saints, who lost to the Arizona Cardinals, who employ Derek Anderson at quarterback. By the transitive property of losing, this means the Redskins are better than the Steelers.
2. New England Patriots (10-2): The Patriots' starting quarterback models boots. The Redskins' starting quarterback used to be a Campbell's Chunky Soup spokesperson. Last I checked, you need food to survive, not boots. Because of McNabb's ability to market something essential for survival, he is a much better person than Tom Brady. Therefore, the Redskins are better than the Patriots.
1. Washington Redskins (5-7): In case it wasn't clear, this whole thing was a huge joke.